Wonderfully Wrecked

Can I let you in on a secret?  God has been seriously tearing me apart lately.  I kind of had it coming to me though.  I asked God to close doors in my face, open new ones ahead of me, but most of all, I asked Him to cut out everything of my heart and life that was not of Him, everything that distracted me from seeking His face and everything that hindered me from stepping forward into that which He has called me.  I asked Him to reveal truth and light in the midst of darkness and to rout out every sin and shame that I have kept carefully hidden, rotting away, in the dark corners of my heart.

And He has.  To the extreme.  I think with God it’s always “Go big or go home.”  Which is terrifying, but also comforting, to know that He does not do things by halves.  My God is one of wholeness!  Amen?!

In the face of all these dangerous prayers that I continue to pray for myself (I never learn and I never will), God has been wrecking me.  By "wrecking" I mean reaching deep into my heart and a) extracting forgotten things akin to that nasty bowl of leftovers in the back of your fridge that you can no longer identify and hardly dare peel the saran wrap off of, and b) exposing things that I thought I had buried so deep even God could not find them (certainly I had blinded myself to their existence).  But, it would appear that my God is a God of lost things and He is a God of redemption.  Lately He’s been pulling things out of my past and gently and carefully redeeming them in me – bringing me to repentance, humbling me, teaching me how to live differently, breaking my heart for His ways.

This whole process is not about destroying my life, and it never has been.  In fact, it hasn’t been all too painful either.  It’s actually been a fairly joyous journey, for the most part.  I’ll tell you why...

This process is about awakening to life the dead areas of my heart, revealing truth in place of the lies that I have believed and lies that I have told myself and others, shedding light in darkness where I have wandered for so long I thought I was destined to live there forever, and bringing joy in exchange for tears.  Even though this journey might be surprising at times (ie. losing my job with less than 2 hours notice), I feel as if my heart is being re-awakened after a loooooong winter of hibernation.  God is here, God is moving, and He is GOOD!

Which is why, even in the face of uncomfortable realizations, uncertainty for my future, and complete panic at other times, I feel as if I am standing in a waterfall of unspeakable grace.

Not all seasons of explosive growth are like this.  In fact, many times the greatest growth comes in seasons of heartache and hardship.  I would be lying if I told you that the last few seasons of my life have been easy on my heart.  The truth is, they have not.  I have felt the looming frustration and confusion of so many lies and realities that it was difficult at times to have the faith I needed for the next step.

But these seasons have been so crucial.  It has been these seasons where I have planted seeds in faith for what was to come.  I also learned something key about myself – I can’t know the long term.  Seriously, don't tell me what comes next.  I’m too much of a control freak and knowing too much means I try to control it.  Unfortunately, I'm apparently a very bad manager of my life (as proven by the countless times I have screwed it up and needed divine rescuing).  So I’m learning to walk in submission to God’s will each and EVERY step of the way, one foot in front of the other.  I’ve stopped asking where I will be a year from now, a month from now, even a week from now.  What happens NOW, what happens TODAY?  The panic at first gives way to peace and trust me – it’s so worth it.

Do you hold on so tightly to the future that you are unable to seek God’s heart for you TODAY?

I am learning to hold my future, and really my entire life, with loose hands.

It’s not about me.  It’s about Him.  My fears, my pride, my insecurities, my image – none of it will matter on the other side of Eternity.  But…did I make Him famous or myself?  Did I honour His name or seek to make my name bigger and better?