I don't know where I'm going.

I think I need to take communion every day.

Seriously.

I don't know if it was the three hours of sleep I had last night which resulted in the complete and utter exhaustion I felt as I sat in church today, but something about taking part in communion today brought me to tears.  The weight of those words, "on the night He was betrayed, He took the bread and the cup..."

Betrayed by one of His closest friends, unimaginable pain, bearing the weight of all sin, all guilt, all shame, crying out to a silent God who has turned His face away, mocked, beaten, broken, destroyed, verbally assaulted, bruised, the object of ridicule, treated like a criminal, the victim of injustice...He felt it all.  And in the way we remember past pain, I believe He remembers too.  He sees me, sitting here, He feels my heart in a way that no one else ever has or ever will.  I take communion to remember.  And He reminds me that He also remembers.  This is not a one-way tradition; it is a two-way relationship.  He remembers the pain on the cross and He has not forgotten me.

I feel like 2011 was a weird year.  It was a rollercoaster of emotions, adventures and challenges.  I learned some good and some hard lessons.  I traveled.  I slept.  I hurt.  I followed my heart to the Middle East.  I paid off all my debt.  I quit my job.  I went back to my job.  I came back to doing youth ministry.  I stepped out on a limb and helped lead Alpha.  I made new friends.  I took risks, dove deeper into God's heart for me.  I felt anxious, felt peaceful, felt happy, felt sad.  This year has been like none other.  I am glad I lived it.  I am even more glad that I do not have to live it again.

If we're being honest, the last little while has been kind of chaotic.  Confusing, painful, stressful.  I feel a weight on me that I have never felt before - the stress of work, the weight of decisions that need to be made, the pain of living in this broken world and being a broken person...

But He feels it.  He sees me, He knows me, He feels this with me.  He walks through this beside me.  I may not know where we are going, but He does.

There is a Jason Upton song that is the best sermon I have ever heard.  Jason sings,

"I don't know where I'm going, I've been blinded by the truth.

I don't know where I'm going
More and more each day that's becoming just alright with me
Cause when I know where I'm going, my eyes keep me from trusting Thee
I wanna trust You, cause it's the purest worship
I wanna trust You, not just with words
I wanna trust You, cause you deserve it"

I have no idea what 2012 will hold.  I hope it's more peace and less stress.  More joy, less chaos.  More faith, less questioning.  More prayer, less complaining.  More purpose, less slacking.  More Him, less me.

I don't know where I am going.  And I have no idea how I am getting there.  I will not lie and say I am ok with that yet.  But I am trying to be.  I am trying to put my faith in a faithful and true God, even when He seems to be silent, even when I get in His way, and even when I seem to do my level best to screw things up.

Every New Years I reflect on the past year and look ahead to the next.  I think this is all I will say for now.  I think perhaps I need to spend some time seeking out the heart of God for me for this moment.  I don't have to know what the rest of the year holds.  But I know that this journey with Him is going to be a crazy adventure, as usual.